My Pity Party

pity-party.jpg

  Have you ever hosted a pity party for yourself? Parties are so much fun, right? Yeah, that.

So this particular pity party got started because I was choosing denial. I’ve been denying who I am. I’ve been convincing myself that I’m less than I thought I was. That somehow I’m not really the smart, beautiful and loving woman I’ve pretended to be.

I am a child of God, and Christ is in me. Rather than identify with that reality, I’ve been trapped in my pity party, wondering if I’m good enough and capable enough to live the life I’ve dreamed of living. I’ve been steeped in self doubt.

How could I allow this to happen? How can someone like me, who has done years and years of growth, end up in a place like this? How many times do I get to learn this lesson, and in how many different iterations will it appear before me? Surely, by now, I know better.

It shouldn’t be like this. But here I am, and it’s like this.

 

Then comes the frantic reaction -- I know what to do. I can create a flurry of activity that is neither peaceful nor productive. I can ignore the self doubt; put a bandage on it to cover the wound. It’s not really happening, and at some level I know it’s not really me - but right now it sure feels like me.

But wait! What if I slowed down and really served someone? Now there’s an idea. It seems when I’m hyper focused on myself, the inadequacy feelings expand. When I’m serving someone, there’s no room in my heart for the “me” that is needy and unloved.

One way or another I’ve always moved past these times. I remember occasionally getting into a fetal position and going to bed, crying and sleeping through the low period. I don’t do that anymore, as I’ve learned to ride the wave a little better. That is, until I haven’t.

What is the most effective way to lay my burden down? I can actually give this burden away. I am not really in control anyway, and it’s my ego that has me thinking I am. What if I truly leave it at God’s feet? Can it be as simple as that?

When I am operating in the full faith of God’s grace, there is nothing to do. It’s already done. All the good work that I do in the world is not for the big prize at the end where I get to rest in God’s arms in heaven. Because that’s already in the cards for me. So what does that leave for me to do, while I’m here?

The work I do is more about channeling the divine energy that is available to me for my expansion, and to guide other humans in their own expansion. In doing so, my journey becomes more meaningful and I am happy.

God created me perfectly to navigate this life I’m living. There are no true accidents; simply choices that take me down this road or that one. The roads all lead to the same place. It’s the experiences along the way that make life interesting and rewarding.

The notion that I can somehow be unworthy is a reflection of my lack of faith that I’m a child of God.

When I remember who I am, there is no lack of faith. When I’m operating from ego, lack in every area of my life is nurtured as if I were dumping Miracle Grow on it. My ego, though it serves a purpose, wants to win. It has me comparing myself to others. It wants me to appease others so that I feel good about being liked and appreciated. Ego wants me to believe that I’m the most important thing, and that it’s ME doing all the great things in the world.

It’s not really me, though. I’m a divine light in the world with a soul, doing the work of God. Without that light, I am nothing. My gas tank is empty. That thought gives me peace. It relieves the burden that I’ve placed on myself that I need to be something - do something - create something that proves my worthiness.

Actually, I won by being born. There is nothing more to be done but live my life through the loving presence of the Holy Spirit.

I’m human, with the same soft underbelly as everyone else. Though my path is perfect, it’s not always a bed of roses. I trip. I stumble. I fall. Like you. It’s okay for me to teach from that bruised and battered place, too, because I know it so intimately.

Through the abiding love of my creator, I am enough, right now. I have done enough. I can rest right now in the arms of grace. The pity party is over. By the grace of God, I am worthy.